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Old 10-24-2010, 12:39 PM   #1
DRai
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 219
Default Strange Dream! My Spirit is Broken. PLEASE HELP ME!

Hello All,

I haven't posted in a while, and I am not sure if this is the correct place to add this thread. Please forgive me if it is not appropriate.

A bit of background first: I was diagnosed with PCOS about 6 years ago. I have been married for a little over 3 months, and we have not been TTC for very long at all, and have not begun fertility treatments yet, as we are still in the process of having tests done.

I try to harbor a small amount of hope, and of course I have faith in God, but to be honest, for as long as I can remember, I have had a pervasive, all encompassing feeling that I cannot and will not carry a baby to term. I vividly remember being as young as 6 years old, and crying desperately to my mother that I will "never be able to have a baby".

Sometimes, I try to push this aside and say that with treatment, I have just as good of a chance as everyone else, and I am able to feel more optimistic. Then, somehow, I'll find a sign or have a dream that dashes my hope again, and I feel as though I am incapable despite any treatment any doctor could give me.

Last night before I went to bed, I was actually feeling a tiny bit optimistic that maybe this year I will actually get pregnant. Toward the morning hours, however, I began to have a vivid dream that I was in the process of adopting babies. I would even wake up a bit, fall back to sleep again, and the vivid dream would continue!

Strangely, the dream was set in the home where I had grown up, but no longer live. An "agency" of some kind was bringing infants to show me, and I had to choose one or two of them (very strange). Most of the babies had dark hair and olive skin, and one of the last babies I held in the dream had blonde hair and blue eyes. The "agency" mentioned that this baby in particular was in "desperate need". His diaper was soiled, and I layed him down to change him, and the dream ended...

Also in the dream, it appreared that I was asking both my parents and husband for their opinions, but they never actually appreared in the dream or spoke back to me. The only family member who appeared in the dream was my grandmother, who asked me why I had adopted a baby as old as 6 months, and said she would only have adopted a newborn (she would never have said anything like that in real life).

Also, I was asking for baby girls, but nearly all of the babies brought to me were boys. One baby was supposed to be 6 months old, yet he appeared 3 or 4 years old. I also asked specifically for newborns (only a few days old), but they only provided me with babies 6 weeks or older. All of the babies appeared healthy, some even happy and laughing, with the excpetion of the last one.

I feel very unsettled after this dream, especially in light of the fact that it came to me at a time when I felt that maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant.

My worst nightmare, my absolute horror...is this thought that I may never bring a baby into this world. That I may never experience pregnancy. I want this more than I want to take my next breath. It consumes me, even beyond the meaning of those words. Yet, since I was a child, I feel that it can't happen to me, even beyond modern medicine.

Is this a sign that God is calling me to adopt? Should I just submit to the idea that my purpose may be raising someone else's child? I understand and appreciate the idea of adoption ( I have a 1st cousin who is adopted), but I do not want to adopt, I'd rather have a biological baby with my husband. I can't stand watching everyone around me become pregnant or even those who are only in the planning stages, but do not suffer infertility.

Please offer some insight into this. I know this sounds strange, but it is weighing heavily upon my spirit, and it has begun to adversly effect every aspect of my life. Please help me.
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