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Old 02-25-2012, 09:57 PM   #411
howdensl
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Lucy- I feel that its so much worse after a loss and your right each cycle seems to make it that much harder

Angel= I'm there with you! I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant and will end up the barren old aunt that everyone thinks is weird for caring for their children lol
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Old 02-27-2012, 03:38 PM   #412
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I agree that trying after a loss is so much harder. You worry about everything so much more! I had a miscarriage before I got pg with my son and after trying so long for my daughter never thought I would get preggo. I feel the same way now too. Hoping the weight loss will help (that's the only thing that has helped me get pg the past 4 times). On a new cycle and we are going to try again this month. Very nervous though.
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Old 02-27-2012, 05:12 PM   #413
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Hi ladies- *sigh* Ive not been around much, but figured I'd stop in over here. I feel like I'll never feel like myself again some days..others I do ok. I have to go in for a laminary placement tomorrow, which scares me to death, and a D&C to clean out excess tissue I have. I just want to nightmare to be over with and some days I feel like I'll never be able to move forward. I'm scared to death to TTC again, but I'm also impatient, because I feel like if we are trying, at least I have something to look into the future about..where right now, I'm just stuck in the aweful present. I'm so depressed, I just want to keep moving forward but it's so hard because I feel like everyone I know is pregnant right now, and all I can think about is how in a few short weeks I'd be getting ready for the third trimester and my boys coming home soon. I hate that we even need this thread, but I'm glad I'm not alone and people understand the feelings I'm experiencing
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3 years of TTC, many IUI's, injections, chemical preg.
Feb/March 11 -IVF #1 -37 at ER 26 Fert. Severe OHSS, BFN, fragmentation/vacuules in most embies
May-FET #1 - Chem preg
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Old 02-28-2012, 04:47 PM   #414
howdensl
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Little - hopefully this will make things seem like you are going in a better direction, i know its scary but hopefully it will give you that extra sense of closure
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Old 03-02-2012, 06:40 PM   #415
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I'm sorry that we're all here, but glad that we're here for each other.

Little - someone once told me you know you're ready to try again when your desire to hold a baby in your arms outweighs your fear of losing one. I feel that I'm there now. I was more nervous our first month trying, but now I feel like I'm ready to be pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, it's still incredibly scary, but it's not something that I will give up on. We have to try again.

AFM - I feel like this cycle is going to be another long one. I'm CD 24 and I'm trying my SIL's fertility monitor for the first time. I have gotten a "high" reading the last 3 days, but still no O. I had a few leftover OPK's from last cycle, so I tried that today just to see what it says, and it's negative. I'm getting so excited to just move on with the next cycle because my doctor prescribed Femara to try and he's also doing an HSG so I'm hoping it clears things up and I'm extra fertile! I'm so ready for good things to start happening...as I'm sure all of you are too!
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Old 03-05-2012, 02:00 PM   #416
howdensl
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Lucy- I hope you can get the ball rolling and things start speeding up so you can try femara.

AFM- A lil down, all around me are toddlers, newborns and baby bumps from every member of my family thats remotely old enough to have children. I feel like I'm desperately flawed and that maybe god has decided I don't get to have kids. Its like putting a starving man behind a bulletproof glass and having a feast on the other side. IT just isnt fair and hurts so much to see what i yearn for so close but so elusive all the time. I love seeing my new nieces, nephews, and cousins but it still hurts everytime i think that i should have a 2 yr old of my own. .. I wonder sometimes when its time to let it go, though its a really sad thought to have, when is enough enough.
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Old 03-05-2012, 08:32 PM   #417
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howden- thats the best descripiton I've heard about the feat behind glass. I've felt the same way lately. I'm so sorry you are feeling like that...when you feel like you do it's easier said than done, but never give up. Never look back wondering did I give up too soon? Just keep going and when you're eventually holding your little one, it'll all be a distant memory.

Lucy- good luck on moving forward! I feel like when you're ready to start again, it's like you aren't forgetting the past, but you're ready to look forward to the future.

peak and angel - good luck ladies! I hope you guys get your BFP's soon!

AFM- very down today. Miss my twins SO much. I went to their grave and dropped off little toys for them. Then my best friend called who's 39 weeks preg. with her second son. I'm his Godmother..which I'm happy about...but I am so nervous about going to visit him and her in the hosp. next week. Its the same birthplace where I lost my twins a month ago. She said not to come unless I want to and is awesome about it, but I feel like it's something I have to do...I'm just sad and I know it's going to be super hard. I'm so happy for her, and SO sad for me.
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Me (30) DH (32)
dx 2006,started TTC 2008
5 rnds of clomid
3 years of TTC, many IUI's, injections, chemical preg.
Feb/March 11 -IVF #1 -37 at ER 26 Fert. Severe OHSS, BFN, fragmentation/vacuules in most embies
May-FET #1 - Chem preg
Sep - IVF #2- Menopur, Gonal, Lupron, 19eggs, 9fert.
BFP 10/7 -Twin Boys! Born at 20 weeks, incompetent cervix







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Old 03-05-2012, 11:28 PM   #418
howdensl
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Little-- Im sending you big HUGGGSSS right now and sending you some extra strength to go see your godchild next week. I hope you are able to cope ok with being back there and will be thinking about you!
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Old 03-06-2012, 12:06 AM   #419
AnglWngz
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Big hugs Sarah, Lucy and Little.

Little take it one day at a time. I will be sending good thoughts your way next week as you prepare yourself to meet your godchild. I'm sure you will have many emotions but be gentle with yourself.
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My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget
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Old 03-07-2012, 10:56 PM   #420
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Sarah, I just said to mu husband yesterday that we would be having a first birthday party next next.....can't believe it's been so long, my due date was 4/4/11....I don't think we ever fully "let it go" but maybe it will get easier.

Little, I started crying reading that....just imaging the emotions that you will go through there. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and support. Just know that if you break down or get emotional, it's okay and it's healthy. Everyone will understand so don't apologize or be embarrassed. If you need a good cry, let it out. Thinking of you!

Lisa, how are you handling everything? I hope you are doing well. Any news from oncology?

Lucy, good luck this cycle! I dedinitely hope good things start happening for all of us! I love that advice that you are ready when your desire to hold a baby a baby outweighs your fears of losing one.



That being said. I am doing the whole milestone thing again...... It's been 1 year and 5 months since my miscarriage, one year since my surgery, and next month marks when my baby would be a year old and also a marks a year of TTC after getting the green light after my surgery.
One whole year of active TTC with medical intervention every cycle. Seems like so long. I know others have tried longer, but most were trying and weren't ovulating or doing ivf where hey have to take time off between cycles or to save, but this have been an entire year of constant intervention for me (not to mention the 5 month trying before knowing my cervix was scared shut). I just feel like a failure.

I am still angry about the this miscarriage.....it caused the loss of my child, obliteration of my uterus, financial strain due to the cost of the specialized corrective surgery, and mental health issues.....plus going in for my ultrasound that day, the secretary in radiology was so rude, wouldnt even look up to acknowledge us, etc. made me uncomfortable....then the way the tech treated me during the ultrasound when no heartbeat was seen......cold and flat. And how the doctor told me results and news over the phone....i understand he was probably delivering a baby or something, but they could have let me sit in the office to find out. But the tech said i couldnt be in there bc it was their office and made me hear the news on a phone in the main waiting room in front of about 100 people. I can't help but still be angry. I miscarried, not their fault. They made me find out the news with the rest of the town in the waiting room, and the surgery obviously was a fail because my uterus and cervix scared together.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for and that others have it worse than me, but I can't help but feel defeated sometimes. I am definitely a fighter, and that may be the problem. I have now started questioning my strength......is it really strength or because i refuse to accept defeat? Then I question my motives....do I really want another child or am I just trying to "win" because I'm so competitive in nature???

And then also, this cycle, they don't knowif my 18mm "mystery object" is a cyst or an egg.....they said it's hard to tell on the ultrasound. Then I think, "well if it is a follicle and it looks complex it's probably not healthy and I will probably miscarry, gosh why did I have sex with an unhealthy egg?"

ughhhhhhhh okay...
I just needed to vent, thanks for listening. I needed to get that out. I feel better now.
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