PCOSupport Community Forums  

Go Back   PCOSupport Community Forums > PCOSA Forums > Faith-based Support

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-24-2010, 11:39 AM   #1
DRai
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 219
Default Strange Dream! My Spirit is Broken. PLEASE HELP ME!

Hello All,

I haven't posted in a while, and I am not sure if this is the correct place to add this thread. Please forgive me if it is not appropriate.

A bit of background first: I was diagnosed with PCOS about 6 years ago. I have been married for a little over 3 months, and we have not been TTC for very long at all, and have not begun fertility treatments yet, as we are still in the process of having tests done.

I try to harbor a small amount of hope, and of course I have faith in God, but to be honest, for as long as I can remember, I have had a pervasive, all encompassing feeling that I cannot and will not carry a baby to term. I vividly remember being as young as 6 years old, and crying desperately to my mother that I will "never be able to have a baby".

Sometimes, I try to push this aside and say that with treatment, I have just as good of a chance as everyone else, and I am able to feel more optimistic. Then, somehow, I'll find a sign or have a dream that dashes my hope again, and I feel as though I am incapable despite any treatment any doctor could give me.

Last night before I went to bed, I was actually feeling a tiny bit optimistic that maybe this year I will actually get pregnant. Toward the morning hours, however, I began to have a vivid dream that I was in the process of adopting babies. I would even wake up a bit, fall back to sleep again, and the vivid dream would continue!

Strangely, the dream was set in the home where I had grown up, but no longer live. An "agency" of some kind was bringing infants to show me, and I had to choose one or two of them (very strange). Most of the babies had dark hair and olive skin, and one of the last babies I held in the dream had blonde hair and blue eyes. The "agency" mentioned that this baby in particular was in "desperate need". His diaper was soiled, and I layed him down to change him, and the dream ended...

Also in the dream, it appreared that I was asking both my parents and husband for their opinions, but they never actually appreared in the dream or spoke back to me. The only family member who appeared in the dream was my grandmother, who asked me why I had adopted a baby as old as 6 months, and said she would only have adopted a newborn (she would never have said anything like that in real life).

Also, I was asking for baby girls, but nearly all of the babies brought to me were boys. One baby was supposed to be 6 months old, yet he appeared 3 or 4 years old. I also asked specifically for newborns (only a few days old), but they only provided me with babies 6 weeks or older. All of the babies appeared healthy, some even happy and laughing, with the excpetion of the last one.

I feel very unsettled after this dream, especially in light of the fact that it came to me at a time when I felt that maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant.

My worst nightmare, my absolute horror...is this thought that I may never bring a baby into this world. That I may never experience pregnancy. I want this more than I want to take my next breath. It consumes me, even beyond the meaning of those words. Yet, since I was a child, I feel that it can't happen to me, even beyond modern medicine.

Is this a sign that God is calling me to adopt? Should I just submit to the idea that my purpose may be raising someone else's child? I understand and appreciate the idea of adoption ( I have a 1st cousin who is adopted), but I do not want to adopt, I'd rather have a biological baby with my husband. I can't stand watching everyone around me become pregnant or even those who are only in the planning stages, but do not suffer infertility.

Please offer some insight into this. I know this sounds strange, but it is weighing heavily upon my spirit, and it has begun to adversly effect every aspect of my life. Please help me.
DRai is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-24-2010, 10:11 PM   #2
ToGoForth?
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 306
Default

DRai -

Lots of us here struggle to grasp what God has planned for us. I don't have any answers. I stuggle with this question too. I am fortunately to have one child but have a deep desire to have a 2nd and have consider adoption very much.

Sometimes dreams are only dreams. Sometimes they are our most private thoughts (or fears) materialized. I don't know what to read into it, except to realize the parts that you feared and the parts that made you happy. Use that information to question your own feelings about adopting vs having your own.

All I can offer is a hug, a prayer, and the answer that only you and your DH can feel if God is stearing you a particular direction. Good Luck!
__________________
37, TTC #2 since 1/09
3 rounds of Clomid 50-150 O'd maybe once
fertilty diet - down 30 lbs
Several large cysts that took 4 months to resolve
Been to a couple REs (none of which I really like)
Follistim + Femera, trigger, IUI, progesterone supp's
Mar 3 follies, Apr 1 follie, more EVIL cysts, surprise BFP only to m/c at 9wks 9/2010,
Follistim/Repronex cycles result in large cysts that tell me this isn't meant to be for me.

The only thing TTC has REALLY taught me, is how to cry quietly.
ToGoForth? is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-25-2010, 09:27 AM   #3
DRai
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 219
Default

Thank you, ToGoForth?, I greatly appreciate your response, prayers, and support! Your words have been comforting. God bless you, and I"ll pray that everything works out for you.

I know I haven't been trying for very long at all, and many of you have struggled for much longer than I, but I worry mostly about what it is that God wants for me. I want to give birth, even if only once, more than I have ever wanted anything. I hinge my happiness upon it, and I don't believe I can ever truely feel like a whole person if I cannot.

I am hoping that this dream was only a manifestation of my innate fears, and I pray that I will continue to have faith that God will lead me through this.
DRai is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-25-2010, 12:08 PM   #4
DRai
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 219
Default

I just posted a question in the Fertility forum, because later on that day (after my dream), I had a lot of FCM. Hopefully, my vivid dreams are stemming from ovulation. I think mostly, I need to just calm down and trust God, instead of looking deeply into just about everything for a "sign" from Him...

I'll keep all of us in my prayers
DRai is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:45 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.