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Old 08-14-2009, 12:50 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Maine
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Default Failed attempts & new diagnosis

I am a 26 year old lesbian. I have been with my partner for 3+ years. I have always had irregular periods but didn't realize it could have a big effect on my infertility. My partner and I had decided it would be great to be pregnant together, to go through labor around the same time and to have two kids... siblings that were so close in age. 5 months after having a committment ceremony we decided to start trying. We had our first IUIs 3 days apart and if it had worked it would have been a dream come true. Now my partner is 5 months pregnant and after 4 attempts I am still not and I just got the diagnosis of PCOS. I struggle on so many levels. I struggle to understand this diagnosis when I still don't feel I fit that mold. I struggle in finding the balance between being ecstatic to have a daughter on the way and being distraught that I can't get pregnant. I struggle in being the supportive wife I want to be for her while she is pregnant and feeling broken inside that I couldn't keep up my end of the deal. I struggle in that I have no other support and when I'm upset my pregnant wife is the only one there. It's a lot to put on her and I know she can't see how excited I really am to have this baby and start our family. I know this is an unusual case but any insight or support would be wonderful. Sorry it's so long, but it's really the first time i've told my story. *
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Old 08-29-2009, 11:05 PM   #2
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
Posts: 3,536

Hi Troubleinparadise, and welcome to the boards!

In many ways, you did put a lot of pressure on yourself from the begining, because most couples only have a 1 in 4 chance of becoming pregnant each cycle. I believe the odds are only slightly higher for IUI's, so the chance of becoming pregnant at the same time wasn't really that great to begin with. It is a very sweet and romantic idea, but in practical terms, even with perfect health, it probably wasn't going to happen, so don't feel like you didn't "keep up your end of the deal"! Before you got your IUI's your doctor should have done a thorough investigation as to the cause of your irregular cycles and if you were ovulating, too, however, what is done is done. This is the situation, now.

There are two sides to the PCOS diagnosis, especially when TTC. Of course, there is the heartbreak that comes with having a "diagnosis" - confirmation that there is "something wrong". The other side of that, though, is that you can now DO something about it! 85 - 90% of women with PCOS (who want to) DO become pregnant with some level of assistance, so don't feel like you will never become pregnant! Just look at all of the women on the pregnancy and Mom's boards if you need proof! Many women find that simply making some lifestyle changes and perhaps taking Metformin is enough to not only restore their cycles and allow them to become pregnant, but prevent the more medically serious complications like heart disease and diabetes.

In many ways you have been given the opportunity to focus more on your daughter and wife, in a way that you would not have been able to if you were pregnant at the same time. Just think - if you both had gone into labour at the same time, who would be there to hold your hands, give you both the support and encouragement you need to give birth, and witness a new life being brought into this world? Also, who would be physically able to make the meals, clean the house, and do all of the necessary things that you have trouble with right after having a baby (or in late pregnancy)?

You WILL have your turn, never doubt that!!! Treatment of PCOS can take a little while, and begins with making diet and activity changes. Use this time to focus on becoming as healthy as you can be, helping your wife stay healthy, and know that when your daughter comes, you will both have the energy to devote to her care. Then, when you have given your body a chance to re-balance itself and be in a healthier state and start ovulating again, then you will be able to start TTC again, and you will know that you will be ready to create a sibling for your daughter. They may still be very close in age, even, just more like close siblings rather than twins.

The other thing I would suggest you do is to widen your emotional support system. Even if you were a heterosexual couple, and were TTC for your first child, you can't put everything onto the other person. It's just too much to handle. You still need to talk and share with your partner, but it's OK to talk and vent with other people, too! Don't be afraid to attend an infertility group that might be in your area. I just started attending one in mine, and there is a lesbian woman (who has a partner) trying to become pregnant and doing IVF, so, you never know who you might meet! Even if they don't have your exact situation, you would be surprised at how other people can empathise with you and provide support.

Oh, and, I admit I am totally biased (I am a massage therapy student), but find a good massage therapist and get a massage! Not only will it help with the stress, but reducing stress reduces stress hormones, which takes away one factor that negatively impacts PCOS! I'm doing a Case Study on the effects of massage on blood sugar levels in diabetics. Because PCOS is so closely connected to Insulin Resistance (a precursor to diabetes), I believe that massage CAN have an effect on fertility! That's just my opinion at the moment, though! lol

Take care, Hon, and hang in there!!! And, congratulations!!! You're about to become a Mommy!!! (((HUGS)))
Registered Massage Therapist
2200-hour program in Canada
Focus on women's health and managing chronic health issues

DS (1992)
Diagnosed PCOS 1994
Cannot tolerate BCP
No treatment for 12 years
Now, Metformin 1,500 mg/day, Fish Oil, D3, good multi
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Old 09-23-2010, 03:32 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Paris, France
Posts: 625

Wow, i can't imagine how difficult it would be to be dx'd with PCOS while your partner is pregnant. I found it hard when my best friend were pregnant, and that is what I wanted, I know your situation is even more difficult. you just want to be 100% happy, but it ok that there are things that cloud this happiness.

I agree with Sunshine though, even had you not had PCOS, it would have been tough for both of you to fall pregnant at the same time, and logistically it may have been more difficult once your children were born. You can still have 2 children, close in age, you just have to adjust the plan a little. It may even be better this way. You can support your partner now, and then she you when you get your BFP.

You are in a tough position as you can't really vent to your wife about your frustrations without her thinking/feeling you are resentful/jealous. Jealousy is normal and doesn't make you a terrible person. If you don't have a close friend outside of your couple, then turn to this board. Many of us struggle trying to conceive, and feel like we are broken, or are letting our partners down. This is a very supportive board.

Now that you have your dx, you can start to figure out what to do to increase your odds. Find a good RE or gyno that is knowledgeable about PCOS if the dr you are currently working with isn't. If you have symptoms of insulin resistance and have weight issues, switch to a low carb diet. That alone regulated my cycles and got me ovulating. Metformin has been known to help with regulating cycles and of course is used to treat insulin resistance. Check out the pregnancy and mom boards for inspiration. Lots of women on there have there failed attempts posted and of course their BFP dates/children's ages. We can have children, it is just a longer road for us.

I wish you all the best and hope to see you on the boards.
Michelle 26
DX PCOS April 1st 10
BFP -08/09/10 MC 04/10/10

Losing weight is hard; Being overweight is hard. Choose your hard.

May-10.6 Jun -11 Jul - 8.6 Aug- 6.8 Sep- 2.2(preg/MC) Oct- 7.8 Nov-8.8 Dec-7.8lbs

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